(Empty Stage, event running 1 hour behind schedule)Narrator:
Welcome to Neev 2012, Quantum Surge(whatever that means)!!!! The biggest fest
in the whole frickin’ India. Yes people, we are back. Bigger and better. We
have the biggest surprise in store for you. Very sorry for the delay.
(All of a sudden, all the lights go out and it starts to
thunder) Forget Felix Baumgartner. We have the one and only Rajnikanth doing
a space jump for us today. He is currently standing on the moon, looking to
land on the stage. And he takes the jump!!!! Yes bitches, it’s for REAL
(Crowd goes berserk. A voice says- KHAMOSH!!!.)
(Everyone looks up) There it is- Rajni coming down dancing to
Boom Boom Robo. Rajni comes and stops 5 feet above the stage, waits there for
10 secs and then lands with a BANG, literally. All the 10,000 people in the
campus bounce up with the building due to the sheer intensity and then come
down. Unfortunately, the exam dept. room is damaged irreparably.
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RAJNIKANTH: Enna raskala, can you feel it?!?!(The crowd goes
berserk again, shouting uncontrollably) RK: Saary far the delay, jangos. The
Emperor of Jupiter caaled me far dinner. Raskala, it was a canspiracy. His
guards started shooting at me. Tomorrow is the bullet’s funeral, MIND IT.
Yenyway, we are 1 awar late. Eh Time raskala, go back 1 awar ra( Time goes
back an hour. All perfect now) Do you want to start mamas?!?!?!( Crowd starts
shouting again)
RK: I welcome Neev to this event. I thank Subbu sir and all
the beautiful Neev committee girls for caaling me. Subbu is my childhood friend, that’s why I am nat
charging any money ra. If I charge money, this kalej will become bankrupt. The
main sponsors are ExxonMobil, Yapple, Rolls Royce, NASA, Starbucks, KFC and
Nike. Prizes worth 1 billion rupees are to be won. Jive Wars(Hrithik Roshan
vs Michael Jackson( I requested him to come back to life for a day)),
ShowStopper(Megan Fox will be walking), War of the DJs( David Guetta vs DJ
Aqeel), Rap it Up(Eminem vs Pitbull), Vichaar Ch. 3(Downey Jr. vs Johnny Depp
vs Barney Stinson vs Sheldon) and WrestleMania(Messi vs Ronaldo) are some of the events we have for you….
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But the Main Event is called
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(Apni Toh Paathshaala plays in the background and Aamir comes
hitting his bum)…AK: Oh teri yaar!Now
what should I tell about myself. Neev has invited me, it’s a big honour.
Hehe. You all know, hehe, my film 3 Idiots is the highest grosser of all
time. I am the Perfectionist. I even do my potty perfectly. I will give 100
takes for one shot. All my films are blockbusters, just like Neev. Hehe. I am
the highest paid actor. So basically, I am the no. 1. I want to premiere
Dhoom 3 in Neev 2013. Rajni sir, please declare me the winner. I have to go
home quickly and play with my dog, Shahrukh.
Rajnikanth: Aamir raskala, your height ends where it starts
ra. You look like a chakalate boy still. Aal the directors and yactresses cry
after working with you.Ghajini? Caapied. Aal films blockbusters? Mangal
Pandey?? You don’t come to award functions coz you are jealous of SRK. And
waat? You will deliver a baby with a vacuum cleaner….Get last raskala…best
actor my foot. Try yar luck in En-route.
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(Aaya re aaya Bodyguard plays in the background) SK: hmmm, I
am enjoying a golden run. 4 blockbusters in a row. All the girls are crazy
about me. Everyone is scared of me. I am the most eligible bachelor. I want
to take my honey to the moon. I want to premiere Kick in Neev 2013.Being
Human will sponsor Neev from next year. Give me the award.
Rajnikanth: Salman raskala, you aar so desperate to get the
award because even after 22 yrs in the industry, you haven’t won a single
award. Yaar face is exactly like that Kristen Stewart’s face ra. Emotionless.
Himesh Reshammiya’s face has more expressions. All yaar girlfriends leave you
and go. Who will you take to the moon? You are in the industry for 22 yrs
ra…Why are yar films successful only now? Being Human? First become Human
Being ra!Try yr luck in Ignisense.
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(Zara Dil Ko Thaam Lo plays in the
background)
SRK: R R R Rajni Sir, I I I w want t to tell
you th th Rajnikanth: SRK raskala, you
will complete your sentence in Neev 2015. You want to become Rajnikanth??? I
am RAJNIKANTH. I can delete Recycle bin. I counted to infinity twice. I can
run faster than light. While doing push ups, I push the earth down. I gave
Mona Lisa that smile. I once asked a boy to shut up in his childhood. His
name is Manmohan Singh and he still doesn’t speak. Waat can you do ra? Don’t speak ra. Just do
and show something I can’t
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SRK:*Spreads out arms wide in his trademark
style*( Crowd goes bonkers!!!!Starts chanting, “SRK SRK SRK!!!!!”)
RK:
Laydies and Gentlewomen, baays and girls,
rasakalas and raskalis, your winner and the undisputed king. He will rule,
Jab Tak Hai Jaan, Jab Tak Hai Jaan!!! (The End. SRK wins Rajnikanth. Chennai
Express will be premiered in Neev 2013. Red Chillies will come to hire in
campus for finals placements next year and recruit Yasar Khan. From next year
on, the main event will be called SRK and not Rajnikanth. Rajnikanth has a
nervous breakdown and retires from acting)See y’all in Neev 2013. MIND IT!!!
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Sunday, 25 November 2012
Yasar Khan's post for "Star of NEEV 2012"
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