Yasar Khan's post for "Star of NEEV 2012"

(Empty Stage, event running 1 hour behind schedule)Narrator: Welcome to Neev 2012, Quantum Surge(whatever that means)!!!! The biggest fest in the whole frickin’ India. Yes people, we are back. Bigger and better. We have the biggest surprise in store for you. Very sorry for the delay. (All of a sudden, all the lights go out and it starts to thunder) Forget Felix Baumgartner. We have the one and only Rajnikanth doing a space jump for us today. He is currently standing on the moon, looking to land on the stage. And he takes the jump!!!! Yes bitches, it’s for REAL (Crowd goes berserk. A voice says- KHAMOSH!!!.) (Everyone looks up) There it is- Rajni coming down dancing to Boom Boom Robo. Rajni comes and stops 5 feet above the stage, waits there for 10 secs and then lands with a BANG, literally. All the 10,000 people in the campus bounce up with the building due to the sheer intensity and then come down. Unfortunately, the exam dept. room is damaged irreparably.

RAJNIKANTH: Enna raskala, can you feel it?!?!(The crowd goes berserk again, shouting uncontrollably) RK: Saary far the delay, jangos. The Emperor of Jupiter caaled me far dinner. Raskala, it was a canspiracy. His guards started shooting at me. Tomorrow is the bullet’s funeral, MIND IT. Yenyway, we are 1 awar late. Eh Time raskala, go back 1 awar ra( Time goes back an hour. All perfect now) Do you want to start mamas?!?!?!( Crowd starts shouting again) RK: I welcome Neev to this event. I thank Subbu sir and all the beautiful Neev committee girls for caaling me. Subbu is my childhood friend, that’s why I am nat charging any money ra. If I charge money, this kalej will become bankrupt. The main sponsors are ExxonMobil, Yapple, Rolls Royce, NASA, Starbucks, KFC and Nike. Prizes worth 1 billion rupees are to be won. Jive Wars(Hrithik Roshan vs Michael Jackson( I requested him to come back to life for a day)), ShowStopper(Megan Fox will be walking), War of the DJs( David Guetta vs DJ Aqeel), Rap it Up(Eminem vs Pitbull), Vichaar Ch. 3(Downey Jr. vs Johnny Depp vs Barney Stinson vs Sheldon) and WrestleMania(Messi vs Ronaldo) are some of the events we have for you….

But the Main Event is called Augustus, RAJNIKANTH- The Hunt for India’s Biggest Superstar.Aal India is fighting about who is the better Khan and best actor. Aal of them are children before me. Hahahaha. I say we decide it RIGHT HERE,RIGHT NOW, ON THE BIGGEST PLATFORM OF ‘EM ALL-NEEV 2012!!!. Waat say jangos?!?!?!(Crowd goes berserk again) Today’s participants are Aamir, Salman And Shah Rukh. Each one of them will come here and tell us why they are the best and I will craas question them. Whoever gives the best answer to my question will be crowned RAJNIKANTH. He will get a chance to premiere his next movie in Neev 2013 and will also get special acting tips from me, MIND IT.  The winner will also get an all expenses paid trip to the Moon. I will be the personal guide. So AAR YOU READY RASAKALAS?!?!?!.... First to come, Aamir

(Apni Toh Paathshaala plays in the background and Aamir comes hitting  his bum)…AK: Oh teri yaar!Now what should I tell about myself. Neev has invited me, it’s a big honour. Hehe. You all know, hehe, my film 3 Idiots is the highest grosser of all time. I am the Perfectionist. I even do my potty perfectly. I will give 100 takes for one shot. All my films are blockbusters, just like Neev. Hehe. I am the highest paid actor. So basically, I am the no. 1. I want to premiere Dhoom 3 in Neev 2013. Rajni sir, please declare me the winner. I have to go home quickly and play with my dog, Shahrukh. Rajnikanth: Aamir raskala, your height ends where it starts ra. You look like a chakalate boy still. Aal the directors and yactresses cry after working with you.Ghajini? Caapied. Aal films blockbusters? Mangal Pandey?? You don’t come to award functions coz you are jealous of SRK. And waat? You will deliver a baby with a vacuum cleaner….Get last raskala…best actor my foot. Try yar luck in En-route.

(Aaya re aaya Bodyguard plays in the background) SK: hmmm, I am enjoying a golden run. 4 blockbusters in a row. All the girls are crazy about me. Everyone is scared of me. I am the most eligible bachelor. I want to take my honey to the moon. I want to premiere Kick in Neev 2013.Being Human will sponsor Neev from next year. Give me the award. Rajnikanth: Salman raskala, you aar so desperate to get the award because even after 22 yrs in the industry, you haven’t won a single award. Yaar face is exactly like that Kristen Stewart’s face ra. Emotionless. Himesh Reshammiya’s face has more expressions. All yaar girlfriends leave you and go. Who will you take to the moon? You are in the industry for 22 yrs ra…Why are yar films successful only now? Being Human? First become Human Being ra!Try yr luck in Ignisense.

(Zara Dil Ko Thaam Lo plays in the background) SRK: R R R Rajni Sir, I I I w want t to tell you  th th Rajnikanth: SRK raskala, you will complete your sentence in Neev 2015. You want to become Rajnikanth??? I am RAJNIKANTH. I can delete Recycle bin. I counted to infinity twice. I can run faster than light. While doing push ups, I push the earth down. I gave Mona Lisa that smile. I once asked a boy to shut up in his childhood. His name is Manmohan Singh and he still doesn’t speak.  Waat can you do ra? Don’t speak ra. Just do and show something I can’t

SRK:*Spreads out arms wide in his trademark style*( Crowd goes bonkers!!!!Starts chanting, “SRK SRK SRK!!!!!”) RK:  Laydies and Gentlewomen, baays and girls, rasakalas and raskalis, your winner and the undisputed king. He will rule, Jab Tak Hai Jaan, Jab Tak Hai Jaan!!! (The End. SRK wins Rajnikanth. Chennai Express will be premiered in Neev 2013. Red Chillies will come to hire in campus for finals placements next year and recruit Yasar Khan. From next year on, the main event will be called SRK and not Rajnikanth. Rajnikanth has a nervous breakdown and retires from acting)See y’all in Neev 2013. MIND IT!!!